Jun. 11th, 2009

xian: (Default)
no ringing voices in my head
only written words left behind
with intents and emotions
sharply twined together

grateful i am
not to have to carry on any longer
this unknown sham
wanting what's best for you rings true

no longer can i revel in your misery
as you so delicately put it
yet no longer can you play the victim with me
for there's no longer an us

for once, what's good for both
is the same.
we are both saved seperately
through one action
a severing of ties and bonds





Initially I was dumbfounded. Then upset, sad, mad, a mixture of the three plus confused on top as to where all these accusations were stemming from. I take pleasure and revel in her misery. I make derogatory comments concerning the weight of her physicl appearance. I make her cry and feel like shit with my actions towards her, like I don't really want to be her friend. All out of the blue after being friends for years. Never was a word of this breathed to me until recently. And here I sit. I can't tell if I'm still dumbfounded or too tired (as in not enough sleep to function sufficiently) to care or too hurt to attempt to delve to deeply into it. I had no idea I made her feel this way. If I did though, she sure got me right back. The fact that she even thought I took one iota of pleasure out of her misery or was deliberately cruel to her just to make her cry just cut right to the quick in me. I realize I may not be the most benevolent person in the world but to think I would be like that is just villaineously horrible. I wanted to say to her why would you even want to be friends with someone like that. I wouldn't. Just the way you describe me makes me feel like I should go want to crawl in a hole and die or jump off of a cliff if I'm truly that awful (yes 2 am really does leave something to be desired when it comes to more imaginative ways to end it). I didn't though because I realize that is overdramatic and would probably do nothing except to serve as more fuel to the victimization/drama.

I don't like confrontation and sometimes have a hard time facing things. I used to be a real pushover. When she first unloaded this on me, it left me with my head swimming. Even at the end of it, I needed some time to think and collect my thought and try to put together a coherent response that wouldn't be a knee jerk reaction. And I wrote her a response to all the accusations which in the end may have been useless as she didn't stick around to read it. Upon thinking on it further, I came to the decision that in the end it would probably be best for both parties to bring this to a close with as little emotional drama bombing and shitting as possible. So, I sent her another response saying I love her and only want what was best for her. Which I do. I wish her no ill will. I am sad that the friendship is ending because I really had good times when I was with her. But if she feels this way with me, why prolong the pain any longer? Whether this is my subconscious way of rationalizing my aversion to further confrontations or if it's just a legitimate love of wanting her to be happy, I don't know. Maybe in the end they're the same and thus result in the same solution. Maybe that's just wishful thinking on my end.

Valentin says she's wrong and effing crazy. He even compared me in goodness to his mother. I think that's probably one of the highest compliments you can get from a mama's boy. I haven't cried yet over this situation although it's been close a couple of times. I just may yet.

Theorization as to her state of mind will have to be another post if I even decide to broach that subject. Again, 2am is not conducive to making coherent thinking posts. Hell I may even decide to delete this one upon rereading it with a less sleep deprived mind.

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xian

June 2009

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